Alyssa Marie.

Throughout my life, I have had many people whom I have considered friends. I have learned many things about what it means to be a friend, keep a friend, and lose a friend to a multitude of reasons. The faces of my friends have changed over many years. I do not have one friend that I have been friends with since kindergarten, elementary school, middle school, or even high school really. Even the friends I had my freshman year or sophomore year of college were fleeting to say the least and no longer in my life. 

If I were to attribute this to anything, it would probably be the fact that I have moved so many times in my life, I am better at making new friends than I am at keeping them. I am flexible and ever evolving to fit into someone else's life. Whether this is a positive characteristic, I am still trying to figure out. 

As I have gotten older, that are a select few that I have chosen to keep in my life. But in all honesty I have 2 best friends, this post is going to be about one of them. I will have to write about the other one at another time, though she is equally important and loved by me.

Alyssa Marie.

I remember the first time we met. It was like one of those romance movies, where time slows down and the wind blows in her hair in the most flattering way, except we were inside. Of her dorm, she was a member of my community that I was in charge of as a senior. She was a freshman. But it's still true. It was like love at first sight, but in a totally different way. Even the first time I met her, I knew that she was going to be a part of my life forever.

She ended up joining my sorority, through no pushing by me of course, and I chose her to be my little sister. That was it, we were hooked! She was there for me through a lot of tough stuff. Breakups, financial issues, work issues, relationship issues, and god knows what else. I would hope that I provided the same kind of support for her. I remember this one time, I went through a pretty gruesome break-up and she came home with carne asada fries, red wine, and ice cream. She took care of me.

Alyssa came with her own set of problems as well. Her mother had died while she was a teen, and though I didn't know how it happened then, I remember days in February when Alyssa couldn't get out of her bed, so taken by grief, that I would literally just lay in bed with her and make sure she had food and water when she needed.

Alyssa is a genuinely good person. Almost too good. If someone needed help or money, she was the first person to give it, almost to a fault. She met this guy, who I will not name, who was willing to take advantage of all that was good with Alyssa and it broke my heart to watch, though I tried to like him and I tried to support her... I just didn't have a good feeling about him.

She and I lived together for a year and we had a blast, getting drunk, pretending to be Arnold Schwarzenegger, driving around, smoking cigarettes, and talking about our futures like they were some mystic thing that would never happen. 

But the future did happen. I moved away, got a good job, started a family and it just seemed that Alyssa couldn't catch her bearings. She was in and out of school, in and out of debt, in and out of work. And I just figured she was lost, trying to find something. Her behavior was erratic,  unpredictable, and a lot of it seemed like she was giving up on life. I couldn't figure it out but I still loved her more than anything and I just wanted to be the supportive friend, not the mom who tells you what you should be doing with your life.

She didn't have a phone for a little bit and she and I lost touch. All I heard of her was from our mutual best friend, Melissa, who was living with her, that Alyssa was continuing to essentially throw her life away and be completely unreliable in all aspects. 

On December 16th, 2013, I got a facebook message from Alyssa asking me if I could take her dogs. She proceeded to tell me that she was addicted to heroin and trying to get into rehab and she needed someone to take her dogs for the time being.

Have you ever lived somewhere where it gets so cold, when you step outside and take a breath, it literally feels like the air freezes solid in your lungs? Have you ever climbed a tree and fell out of it and landed on your back and got the wind knocked out of you? That's what it felt like, when Alyssa told me she was addicted to heroin. My whole world stopped, like it was a movie, and everything is moving all around you but you and everything is going so slowly as you are trying to process what you just learned about someone you love so much.

That's what it felt like.

We talked on the phone for a little while, she told me that she had been experimenting with drugs and that someone told her it was "wax" and it turned out to be heroin and she had been actively using it since July. 

I still can't believe it happened to her. Of all the people I know, of all the people I love, her. 

I was afraid for her. Recovery is hard. Sobriety is hard. Life is hard. Having to do all 3 at the same time, is hard. I hoped that she could do it although the odds were stacked against her. Luckily, she asked for help. Her parents came and picked her up and took her to a detox center and after she was there, she went to a sober living home where she is currently staying now and doing really well. About a week ago, she received her 60 day chip.

When someone holds a piece of your heart, like Alyssa does with mine, you are fearful for them all the time. Especially now though, I am scared for her all the time. I know that it it takes about 9 times of trying to get sober before people actually get and stay sober. I hope so strongly for her that she will be the exception and not the rule, but the truth is she will be fighting this for the rest of her life. 

I am hopeful that her strength will hold her over. I am hopeful that my love and support will help in some way. I am hopeful that she continues on the right path and does what she needs to do to be happy and healthy. 

I hope I never have to get a phone call or message like that again.