My femininity

Here is the thing about MY femininity that a lot of people don't like, YOU do not define it! You do not define how I view myself as a woman based on your societal or personal beliefs.

I guess I'm with Madonna and the hairy armpit thing. I don't know what makes people so uncomfortable with a woman who has body hair. Here is what my body hair means to me:

It means that I accept my body for everything it is and understand there is a purpose for everything it does. 

It means that I feel comfortable in my body regardless of how you feel about it.

It means that I take really short showers and spend all of my time doing things that matter like working, going to school, kissing my partner, and my all time favorite playing with my son.

It means I am confident to stand up for my body especially when I am standing alone.

It means I am teaching my son a different and more accepting perspective on what beauty is. 

And one thing I have learned about having body hair, because I am sure judgment falls on my partner as well since he has a hairy girlfriend... I heard this once in How I Met Your Mother from the very prophetic Barney Stinson, "men will go through the rough to get to the green."

Do you know what does define my femininity for me? The fact that I have birth to a beautiful baby (who is going to be 2 here really soon!!!). The fact that my name is Jenni. The fact that I personally identify as a female! That is how I identify my femininity. And my pretty long hair... Well and the fact that there is a cupcake in my armpit in the above picture, I'm counting that too. 

Catching up

So last weekend my family went down to Tucson, AZ for my son'a 2nd birthday. We went to Monster Truck Jam and he absolutely loved it! Here are some photos:

He was so enamored the entire 90 minutes. In between there was quading and motocross and he really enjoyed those things as well. 

Last year we went to San Diego fora family vacation, we went for 6 days and in that time we went to the zoo, sea world (which I am ashamed of now), the safari park, balboa park, and seaport village. It was WAYYYYY to much for 6 days and a 15 month old. 3 days and 1 event with a 23 month old was much easier. He was completely entertained by running in the courtyard at our hotel most of the time. Plus, the drive was about a quarter of the time and that was better as well. 

So that was good.

I've been having some family issues lately and I am trying to decide if I want to write it out...

I wear homemade deodorant and other tales from the stinky hippie...

I actually don't stink because I wear essential oils instead of perfume. My boyfriend/baby daddy makes me deodorant, soap, and laundry soap. So I smell quite delightful actually. 

The deodorant looks like this! It's made with coconut oil, arrowroot, baking soda, and this batch has orange essential oils in it. I melt it a little each morning and apply with a paintbrush. It works really well and smells amazing! The only qualm I have with it is if I wear a tank top and sweat a little bit, like at the gym, it gets a little sticky. But that's a good trade off for not putting aluminum and other such heavy metals on my skin.

We make homemade laundry soap too. From borax, felsnaptha, washing soda, and water. We make about 10 gallons for about $2. It goes a long way, smells great, and is so cheap! People ask me f it works and so far it has done great! I have a 2 year old and a grease monkey boyfriend and their clothes are clean! 

We also make our own body soap, I don't have a picture of that to share because it's in the part of the house where there is a sleeping baby currently. 

I also use coconut oil instead of lotion as well as put it in my hair. I had decent hair and skin before, but now my hair and skin are amazing AND I save tons of money doing it this way! It's like pennies on the dollar to make your own stuff!

This guy is going to be 2 in 27 days! Holy crap! We are going to Tucson this weekend to see monster truck jam and go to a please touch children's museum! Should be fun! Cute baby is cute, that is all.

If you want links to recipes to make your own stuff, let me know, I love to spread the word!

Alyssa Marie.

Throughout my life, I have had many people whom I have considered friends. I have learned many things about what it means to be a friend, keep a friend, and lose a friend to a multitude of reasons. The faces of my friends have changed over many years. I do not have one friend that I have been friends with since kindergarten, elementary school, middle school, or even high school really. Even the friends I had my freshman year or sophomore year of college were fleeting to say the least and no longer in my life. 

If I were to attribute this to anything, it would probably be the fact that I have moved so many times in my life, I am better at making new friends than I am at keeping them. I am flexible and ever evolving to fit into someone else's life. Whether this is a positive characteristic, I am still trying to figure out. 

As I have gotten older, that are a select few that I have chosen to keep in my life. But in all honesty I have 2 best friends, this post is going to be about one of them. I will have to write about the other one at another time, though she is equally important and loved by me.

Alyssa Marie.

I remember the first time we met. It was like one of those romance movies, where time slows down and the wind blows in her hair in the most flattering way, except we were inside. Of her dorm, she was a member of my community that I was in charge of as a senior. She was a freshman. But it's still true. It was like love at first sight, but in a totally different way. Even the first time I met her, I knew that she was going to be a part of my life forever.

She ended up joining my sorority, through no pushing by me of course, and I chose her to be my little sister. That was it, we were hooked! She was there for me through a lot of tough stuff. Breakups, financial issues, work issues, relationship issues, and god knows what else. I would hope that I provided the same kind of support for her. I remember this one time, I went through a pretty gruesome break-up and she came home with carne asada fries, red wine, and ice cream. She took care of me.

Alyssa came with her own set of problems as well. Her mother had died while she was a teen, and though I didn't know how it happened then, I remember days in February when Alyssa couldn't get out of her bed, so taken by grief, that I would literally just lay in bed with her and make sure she had food and water when she needed.

Alyssa is a genuinely good person. Almost too good. If someone needed help or money, she was the first person to give it, almost to a fault. She met this guy, who I will not name, who was willing to take advantage of all that was good with Alyssa and it broke my heart to watch, though I tried to like him and I tried to support her... I just didn't have a good feeling about him.

She and I lived together for a year and we had a blast, getting drunk, pretending to be Arnold Schwarzenegger, driving around, smoking cigarettes, and talking about our futures like they were some mystic thing that would never happen. 

But the future did happen. I moved away, got a good job, started a family and it just seemed that Alyssa couldn't catch her bearings. She was in and out of school, in and out of debt, in and out of work. And I just figured she was lost, trying to find something. Her behavior was erratic,  unpredictable, and a lot of it seemed like she was giving up on life. I couldn't figure it out but I still loved her more than anything and I just wanted to be the supportive friend, not the mom who tells you what you should be doing with your life.

She didn't have a phone for a little bit and she and I lost touch. All I heard of her was from our mutual best friend, Melissa, who was living with her, that Alyssa was continuing to essentially throw her life away and be completely unreliable in all aspects. 

On December 16th, 2013, I got a facebook message from Alyssa asking me if I could take her dogs. She proceeded to tell me that she was addicted to heroin and trying to get into rehab and she needed someone to take her dogs for the time being.

Have you ever lived somewhere where it gets so cold, when you step outside and take a breath, it literally feels like the air freezes solid in your lungs? Have you ever climbed a tree and fell out of it and landed on your back and got the wind knocked out of you? That's what it felt like, when Alyssa told me she was addicted to heroin. My whole world stopped, like it was a movie, and everything is moving all around you but you and everything is going so slowly as you are trying to process what you just learned about someone you love so much.

That's what it felt like.

We talked on the phone for a little while, she told me that she had been experimenting with drugs and that someone told her it was "wax" and it turned out to be heroin and she had been actively using it since July. 

I still can't believe it happened to her. Of all the people I know, of all the people I love, her. 

I was afraid for her. Recovery is hard. Sobriety is hard. Life is hard. Having to do all 3 at the same time, is hard. I hoped that she could do it although the odds were stacked against her. Luckily, she asked for help. Her parents came and picked her up and took her to a detox center and after she was there, she went to a sober living home where she is currently staying now and doing really well. About a week ago, she received her 60 day chip.

When someone holds a piece of your heart, like Alyssa does with mine, you are fearful for them all the time. Especially now though, I am scared for her all the time. I know that it it takes about 9 times of trying to get sober before people actually get and stay sober. I hope so strongly for her that she will be the exception and not the rule, but the truth is she will be fighting this for the rest of her life. 

I am hopeful that her strength will hold her over. I am hopeful that my love and support will help in some way. I am hopeful that she continues on the right path and does what she needs to do to be happy and healthy. 

I hope I never have to get a phone call or message like that again.

Introduction and Goals

I have so many things that I want to say, until I sit down to write them. Then, it's as if they all fly out of my mind all at once and I am left with nothing to say or write about.

My name is Jenni, I am 26 years old. I have lived a life that is completely mine and though people can relate often, it is still individual and unique to who I am.

I have a son, named Tristan, who is going to be 2 next month. He is absolutely the most fantastic thing that has ever happened to me.

He is beautiful and wonderful. He is independent, motivated, curious, smart, funny, loving, cuddly, compassionate, defiant, interesting, and so much more. He is the joy of my life.

I lived a pretty straight and narrow life before him. I had my rebellious phases, but nothing ever got out of hand. For the most part, I lived my life the way it was supposed to be. I went to high school, went to college, got a job, etc. I never had an addiction problem or anything like that. My son still managed to save my life and make everything so much better for me. 

I have a boyfriend too, my son's father. We have been together for almost 3 years. We are learning, slowly but surely, how to exist together. Romantic movies and books lead you to believe that when you love someone, that is all you need. But that couldn't be farther from the truth. Bryan and I fight to stay together almost every day. We fight for our relationship, we fight for our family, and we grow and evolve into being better partners and better parents. We aren't perfect yet, but we are in love and have a lot of similar life goals which is very important when considering a life long relationship with someone.

We agree that we should eat as naturally as we can. We agree that we want to homeschool Tristan. We agree in a sustainable lifestyle, although we are not there yet. We make our own soap, deodorant, laundry soap, and anything else we possibly can. While other people look at me like I'm crazy, Bryan is on the internet trying to figure out what else we can make ourselves. His motivation seems to be the more frugal side, which I appreciate, but it all works together.

Our family dynamic is different, but ever evolving in society it seems. Bryan stays home with Tristan and I work full time as a case manager at a behavioral health agency. It is stressful having one income, and especially so being the one with the income and having to figure out how you are going to afford everything. So far, since our son has been born, it has worked for us and it continues to work for us. I am forever thankful that I have a job that I love that affords me the luxury of having my child home with a parent. 

Along with working full-time, I am also attending school part-time in pursuit of my M.Ed in Mental Health Counseling in attempts to receive my LPC (Licensed professional counselor). I am attending online, although the idea of online school is a new one and are thought to be diploma mills. I researched for almost a year to find the most difficult distance learning program from an accredited school. I like to work for what I have. I do not like it if things come easy to me.

I am also trying to lose weight and exercise daily. Since September I have lost about 30 pounds and would like to lose about... 82 more but we will see. It's a long road, I love to workout but love to eat also, so it is a battle daily to make progress. So far so good.

This blog is going to be a collection of good things. I feel in life I tend to focus on the negative, or what isn't going right. My goal is to write about one positive thing in my life each week. I also like to do opinion pieces, but we will see about all that. First, I just need to fall back into the routine of actually blogging. I had a livejournal for like 10 years... then I grew up. Lol.